"You can say piss now...."

Don't worry about me- (I gave that up for Lent and I would hate for you to pick it up...) but I wanted to share what I am feeling because I often don't when I am struggling. I often hold it inside and quietly deal with it until I have pushed through. This blog is an opportunity to share with you what is happening with me and how I am feeling...and so I will choose to do just that... 

Pray for Haiti. Pray for the leadership of Haiti. Pray for our teams. Pray for me.


Okay...I will say it...I gotta be honest...sometimes following God's call on your life "LACKS QUALITY!" (I don't use the word "sucks" because I know what that word means. "Lacks quality" sounds much better. Ask my youth, I am a stickler about this one.)

I will say it again, sometimes following God's call on your life "lacks quality!"

Try not to worry about lightning striking me-- God is crystal clear on exactly how I am feeling at all times. Forget the fact that he is omnipotent, I spell out exactly how I am feeling to my Creator exactly as I am feeling it. God and I have an understanding and that is the best way we communicate. I tell God immediately when I am pissed so we can deal with it immediately.

(I know "piss" isn't considered a nice word but it is in the Bible, and my Momma gave me permission to use words that were found in the Bible. True strory- my Momma emailed me a few years ago with the subject line that read "You can say piss now..." This scripture was found in the body of the email, " So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall." I use the word "piss" sometimes because I spent 33 years not saying it- and because my Momma said I can. I don't say it a lot though- it doesn't sound nice.)

Back to my original thought...sometimes following God's call on your life "lacks quality!"

I am going to be completely honest...I am struggling to where God has called me to right now. Living in Haiti. Seperated from my husband, dog, two cats, and chickens. Apart from the youth and young adults I love. Far from my friends and family. Absent from my church family. Distant from the support and love...and hugs, that I need in my life. And I am hurting.

I try not to complain much (except to God) and I work really hard to be optimistic. I trust God with my life- with everything I have and everything I am. I have experienced difficult times in life and know for a fact that God walks me through every step of the way. I believe with every fiber of my being that the words we find in 1 Corinthians 4, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I have been reading dozens of scriptures that remind me to be hopeful and have been holding tightly to them.

But that doesn't make the hurt go away. The pain still exists. And it isn't just a pain of being seperated from those I love and need. It is pain of being surrounded by people that are hurting and suffering. It is a daily life of sleeping in a bed, eating food, drinking clean water, and feeling safe when millions around me can't. It is a pain of watching leadership fail those they are called to lead. It is a pain of opening my eyes to desperation, searching, and struggle. The pain.....

I called Scott two days ago and told him I didn't think I could do it anymore. The pain is too much to bear. 

Scott's response was simple and perfect. "Yes, you can, and you will. Don't let doubt creep in. God has called you. And that does't make it any easier. It is hard, really hard. I love you."

And I believe him.

I have been listening to several songs over the past few days to help me look at the pain in a different light- and right now I am stuck on Blessings by Laura Story.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The pain still exists and the tears continue to fall...but I will remain on this path. I will accept the pain as part of the journey and seek Hope in every day. Following God's call "lacks quality"....and I think it is supposed to. 

That pisses me off. "God, we need to have another chat...."

Let the ramblings begin....Lent, farming, and bears...OH MY!

Bonjou m' zanmi.

Scott set this blog up for me during one of our missions to Haiti and it just isn't something I ever have felt drawn to do. I constantly have complete ramblings happening in my head...I am just not a believer anyone else would want to read it! :) But several people have asked me to start a blog and share about what is happening with me, so that I what I will do. I expect this blog will be some about my life here in Haiti, things I see and experience, but also the personal side of what is happening to me- my heart, my mind, my soul.

So I begin with this:

I spend a lot of my time thinking- processing things that are happening or things I desperately want to happen. Most times I move from thinking to worrying...and spend many nights and early mornings lying in bed thinking/processing/worrying.

I worry things won't happen right, I make plans in case they don't. I worry that someone will be unhappy or upset by something that I have done. I worry that someone is angry with me. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I am doing to much. I worry about the people I love. I worry about the people that I love but don't like very much. I worry.... you get it. I worry.

It's  not entirely my fault that I am a worrier...you see, I received it from my parents. I have amazing and wonderful parents, but both of them are worriers. My father is a quiet worrier, I remember seeing him many times sitting with his hand across his forehead, worrying about work, his children, the soccer team, or the Cowboys losing a particular game. I would see him get out of bed many nights, unable to sleep because something was on his mind that wouldn't allow him to rest. My mother is a vocal worrier, often sharing her concerns and fears with me as we wash dishes together, driving in the car somewhere (usually while she worries about my driving), sharing a cup of coffee. She worries about her three kids, her grandkids, the country, the world, and especially bears. She really worries about bears!

So you see, I am a worrier by genetics, I get it honestly. But I also know- and my parents often say- just how harmful it is to worry. It does no good to go from thinking to worrying and is actually really bad for your physical health! (And that worries me a lot!)

I have spent most of my adult life trying to train myself to worry less- and I think that I am at a point where I am experiencing glimpses of success in that. And when I do, my life, my faith, my complexion is better!

So for Lent this year, I have given up worrying. (QUIT LAUGHING!) For 40 days, plus Sundays, I will not worry. I currently am living in Haiti, thousands of miles away from my husband, my dog and cats, family, friends, church home, and life as I know it... and I am committing to not worry. I live in Haiti, a country ravaged by natural disasters and lack of strong government to care for it's people throughout basically Haiti's entire history... and I am committing to not worry. I see hungry and homeless people every single day, people with needs that will never be met, children sick because of lack of clean water...and I am committing to not worry.

What am I thinking.

I came across this in my devotional book on the Friday following Ash Wednesday:

After a farmer plants wheat he does not lie awake nights worrying lest radishes come up. He knows that it is the nature, or we might say the VIRTUE, of wheat to grow wheat. It is the virtue of acorns to grow oak trees. And it is the virtue of prayers that are based upon that which is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report, to come to fulfillment. Such a fulfillment is in accord with the inevitable unfoldment of all moral law. We do not have to argue or get excited or perspire over trying to make four plus four equal eight. It is the virtue of such a combination to become eight. It is the law of mathematics, irresistible and inevitable as the tides.

In the same irresistible, tidal way, trust to the inborn virtue residing in these laws of the true, the honest, the just, and the pure in your list of desires, and give them completely to God. Relinquish them into His hands, and go off and leave them. Do not worry about them, do not even pray for them for the next few weeks. Give them as completely as the farmer gives his wheat to the soil, after the soil has been properly ploughed and harrowed. Later on, when the weeks begin to come up, we may have to get into these prayers with a cultivator and re-mellow the soil of our faith a bit, but now, go off and leave them entirely.

-Glenn Clark, I will Lift up Mine Eyes.

So I begin my mornings with prayers of hope, of love, compassion, justice, and truth. I will plant these prayers each day and move on, not worrying about what is to come. I will let God grow in me what He desires. I will trust in His will in the work I continue to do and know if I commit to that- then it will truly be for His Glory. 

I already know that if I truly plant prayers of hope, love, compassion, justice, and truth that reward will come, just as the wheat grows and the oak produces more acorns every year. But my focus will not be on the reward, but on the process of trusting the Creator to "do His thang!" 

Galatians teaches us of a life filled with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The Message says, "But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."  

I am sure I will be pulling the garden hoe out a time or two for some major weeding and cultivating, and callouses and blisters will appear...but I am committed to not worrying about when things are going to grow but enjoying watching it happen. One day at a time. 

Bondye Beni Ou!

-S

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:8-9