My note to my 2013 Graduating Seniors.....

It’s that time of year again. 

Senior Celebration Sunday. 

The truth is, this youth director prefers to stick her head in the sand all year and work very hard to not think about the fact that I will, in fact, have to say “goodbye” to my Seniors. My babies. It is a Sunday that I cry...and not a pretty cry!!!

Yet, it is the Sunday that I truly celebrate. Thankful for the time in ministry with such special, wonderful, beloved youth. All with incredible gifts and talents. Funny quirks that make me smile or roll my eyes. Thankful for the time that I have had to watch you grow, succeed, struggle, discover, and walk alongside you in various ways. 

I have been thinking a lot about this day since I came to Haiti. I wish I could be there today with you- to give you each a big hug and tell you individually that I love you very much.  

I have a THOUSAND things I would like to tell you, but I will leave you with just three...

1.  God loves you...NO MATTER WHAT. And NOTHING will change that fact. NOTHING.

2. You can ALWAYS come home. We will be here for you when you need us.

3. God has a purpose for your life. Fo sho! It is an exciting thing to find that and live into it. So find it. And live into it. And SMILE!

My prayer for you is this....(from a quote I found by that amazing writer Anonymous)

"All through your life, by the power of God's Spirit, may you touch the lives of others for good. If it be through the words you speak, the prayers you speak, or the life you live." 

Mother Teresa and Sarah Mar-Lugi...VERY different....

Bonswa zanmi m'. M'ap sonje ou anpil, anpil. Men Bondye bon, men Bondye bon.

I think of myself as an optimist. I look for the good. I see the glass as half-full. I am always looking at challenges as opportunities, ways to grow, learn, and be shaped by the situation.

Until now.

I struggle to be optimistic every day. Here in Haiti... I work hard to see the good, to see the miracles around me. And sometimes they don't appear. Not all of the time.

Like when I am praying about the transition...the unknown. Or when a team arrives and they "don't get it." They are ugly and negative about Haiti and the people here. And especially when my husband comes to visit and then leaves to go back to the states. The miracles disappear and darkness creeps in.

But maybe THAT is the miracle. (Saying that without going back to my optimistic self...) What if submission to the weeping is the miracle? What if fear leads to trust? Or at least to letting go? What if listening leads to an opportunity to sharing a different way of thinking? And that is trusted because you don't discount how someone reacts? What if missing my husband, my family, my momma, my church, my youth, my friends, my office, my dog, my cats, my chickens, my neighbors, my bed, my bathtub, my stove, my iPhone, my house, my back porch, my grill, my T.V., my chainsaw, my lawnmower, my power tools, my garden, my Jeep, my running route, my favorite restaurant, my running water, my electricity, my grocery store.......

What if that is the miracle?

I read something today that struck me, "if you cannot cherish what it is the Lord is doing in your life, at least do not waste what He is doing in your life. Lay down the self-pity, and with all the strength and grace that He allows you, yield to His work."

Today, in my devotional readings I read Psalm 18:14 which says..."they cried for help, but there was no one to save them-to the Lord, but he did not answer." In this passage David is talking about his enemies, those that the Lord has given power to David to overcome. David is celebrating the fact that these guys are losing. God gave David the strength...not those David is talking about in this passage.

But it makes you wonder...

Is there a miracle in a 'beat down'? Is there a miracle in a loss? Is there a way to find optimism when you cry for help but the Lord isn't there to save you?

I read a book a while back about Mother Teresa and the separation that she felt from God all of her life. Yet she held on to her faith in God and continued to believe...and became one of the most influential women, heck- PERSON, of several generations.

When Mother Teresa called "...the Lord did not answer..."

 "...the Lord did not answer..."

 "...the Lord did not answer..."

"If you cannot cherish what it is the Lord is doing in your life, at least do not waste what He is doing in your life. Lay down the self-pity, and with all the strength and grace that He allows you, yield to His work." (Celtic Daily Prayer-Aiden readings)

I feel like I have been a "whiny-butt" in my few blogs since I have been in Haiti...but when I get time to sit down and write, this is how I feel. So I won't apologize for that. I will just continue to be honest. To tell you how I am feeling when I am feeling it.

But the interesting thing is I feel some clarity in my weakness. Things are simplified in my pain. And somehow, the Lord uses that...so not to waste it. I am not remaining in sorrow or self-pity, rather I wake up every morning ready for the work that God gives me. This is not because of me, but rather the Holy Spirit that lives in me--striving to use everything in my life for God's Glory. There is no way I can take responsibility or credit for that...I truly believe it is God's goodness coming forth, regardless of what I do...or how I feel..or how close I feel to God in that moment.

But I think there are a lot of spiritual disciplines in my life to allow that to happen. (Thank you Momma, Daddy, Grandma, Sunday-school teachers, Pastors, mentors, and all of those who taught me those spiritual disciplines during my journey in the Christian life!)

I think that Mother Therese probably went through a lot of the same feelings. And practiced a lot of the same disciplines.

Now, I am NO Mother Teresa! Hear me say THAT! But I think she really loved the Lord...and I really love the Lord...and we both had struggles in our lives....and MT (Mother Teresa) was absolutely an eternal optimist...both are women, both love the poor, both wear hats....(mine more 'ball cap style")...she was cuter...

Mother Teresa never wasted what God was doing in her life.

What if I chose to do the same.

Even if I am seen as an enemy. Crying for help but God does not answer. What if I still believe? What if I am still loved? What if I don't waste what God is doing...no matter what?

Guess I will remain a forever optimist. But I still really miss my husband. I sure do love that man. If you see him, tell him I miss him. And give him a BIG HUG for me! And from Mother Teresa. She would have loved him too.

And I won't live in the self-pity of missing Scott. Or my church family, or the youth, or young adults, or iPhone....I will cherish what the Lord is doing in my life, and not waste what He is doing.

I am no Mother Tersesa....but I am sister Sarah. Eternal Optimist. And I am here to serve. And love. And see the miracles.

And for that I am very thankful.

Bondye BON! Bondye BON!

A woman and a chicken walked in to a church...

A large part of my job here in Haiti is encouraging people to tell and sitting and listening to their stories. And I have to share, it is one of my favorite parts! 

We sit around at the end of week during mealtimes and during the week “debrief” to allow the teams to share with us the good, the bad, and the ‘snapshots’ of the week that they are taking home. The stories are all so special: funny, heart-breaking, hopeful, encouraging, challenging, poignant, awe-filled, and unique. Many times, I have to fight tears (or sometimes let them flow!) as I hear some of the relationships and experiences the teams have encountered. And 100% of the time, thier stories bring me to my knees in prayer for the people of Haiti and for the teams to continue to tell their stories and bring more people to live new stories. 

Many of those stories that are being shared have actually brought dead faith to life...each person’s own personal little Easter.

Last week, the story that keeps bubbling in my heart is a story I heard from a construction team called to serve in Source a Philippe, a small village on the island of La Gonave. 

La Gonave is a large island separated from the main island and only connected by hours on a boat. Everything on the island is brought in: food, drinks, materials, vehicles, etc. Pastor Jacki, the Circuit Superintendent called to serve in La Gonave, is actually from the island.  He will quickly tell you that he believes that he is who he is today because of the impact of mission teams who have come to serve the people of Haiti and of La Gonave. So many people who have come to live, and then share, the stories of great need and great hope.

The village of Source a Philippe is poverty-laden, inhabited by only several hundred people. Most of the homes are built with mud and sticks, roofs of coconut tree branches or, sometimes, old, rusty, tin. The people of Source a Philippe live in some of the worst conditions I have seen in Haiti, little access to water, food, clothing, and shelter. The most basic needs barely met. Pastor Jacki refers to the island and the villages on it as “the forgotten places.”

Our mission team from Virginia chose La Gonave because the team leader, Jack Martin and his wife Marianne, have served in Haiti for over 30 years and knew the needs of the island. They worked on the roof of the medical clinic, "Klinic Komunite", which is being brought back to life since it was damaged by the earthquake. A blessing in the midst of disaster. 

Over the past three months, since my arrival in Haiti, that resurrected clinic- with the aid of mission teams, has seen over 1200 patients, many walking more than 3 hours to be seen by a doctor or nurse. 

Source a Philippe’s own little Easter. 

The Virginia team arrived on a Tuesday and attended worship the following Sunday morning. The local preacher asked the team to sit in the front of the church behind the pulpit, where the choir would normally sit. Shortly after worship began, Jack noticed a tall, elderly, regal-looking woman who entered the back of the church and quietly looked for a seat. Tucked under her arm was a rooster. The team looked at each other in confusion, not knowing why someone would bring a chicken with them to church.

A friend of the woman moved over and made space for her to sit. The regal-looking woman stopped to tie the rooster to the pew and quickly sat down. Marianne remarked during the telling of the story, “that was the most well-behaved rooster I had ever seen! He was quiet the entire service.” 

It came to the time that the ushers began to walk around with the offering baskets, passing them around and allowing the congregation to worship by giving to God. The tall, elderly, regal-looking woman quietly leaned over, untied the rooster, and began walking up towards the altar. She bent down, tied the chicken to the altar and stood up. She grabbed the local preachers arm, asking him to bend down so she could tell him something.

“This is all that I have.”

Jack Martin wept while sharing this story. I weep now writing it. 

Thank you, God for the story very similar to this one that we celebrate today. You loved us so much that you gave your Son as an offering for our sins. And then gave us the gift of eternal life through Jesus' resurrection....the world's own little Easter. Which we get to be reminded on not only yearly, or every Sunday, but every day. We just have to open our eyes and ears to the stories in our own lives and in the lives of others.

Thanks be to God. 

Holding hands, piggyback rides, and dragging me down the road.

Bon jou!

My last post shook many of my friends, family, and students up-- so many are not accustomed to hearing stories of my struggles, doubt, and hurt. I tend to deal with all of that very privately and quietly,  meanwhile, encouraging so many to share so that I can support and walk with them on the road they are on. I think that my being alone here in Haiti revealed just how badly I needed to share...so other can support and walk with me. I think being here in Haiti continues to reveal just how many people really are walking beside me, behind me, and before me...holding hands, piggyback rides, and dragging me down the road...

One of my students sent me the most wonderful and encouraging Facebook message- it is one of those messages that can keep you fueled in ministry for at least a year! No matter what is thrown at you!! :) I replied to her message with this...

I was scared to death to write what I did...but God was pushing me to do it. Now I know why. 

I think it was for you, not only for you...but maybe it is time more people hear more about what my daily faith walk is like. 

My faith is strong....but it is a difficult journey. Has been and will continue to be. It is every day, every hour, every moment. 

You know, I am always the positive optimistic voice amd I just felt I needed to share what is really going on in my heart right now. Thank you for understanding that and hearing what I am saying...and feeling parts of it too. 

I hurt. At times- miserable...but in ALL of that I KNOW God is in control, amd trust that!! But I still hurt, and just felt that it was time for me to "vocalize" that to everyone. I often worry about what people will think, shape their thoughts of me, etc. I gave up worrying for Lent....so I am just taking this opportunity to just SHARE!

It is scary, and I almost didn't post it, but something spurred me on to do it. And your message really confirmed that for me. Thank YOU for sharing.

I am really excited about being a part of your faith walk, walking beside you. That is what I do- and it is my favorite part. The being away from that everyday is probably the hardest for me right now. I miss you, and all of my 'babies' so much. Leaving MY seniors was almost as hard as leaving Scott. Okay....it was harder! :) I love you! LOVE YOU LOVE YOU LOVE YOU! 

Thanks for your love and support. It really means the world to me!!! More than you know.

And it does. 

The other day I read this during my morning devotional time:  "In solitude we can come to the realization that we are not driven together but brought  together. In solitude we come to know our fellow human beings not as partners who can satisfy our deepest needs, but as brothers and sisters with whom we are called to give visibility to God's all-embracing love. In solitude we discover that community is not a common ideology, but a response to a common call. In solitude we indeed realize that community is not made but given."  -Henri Nouwen

Solitude is difficult, and painful, and foreign... but it is where God can best intervene, still us, and reveal His will for our lives. It is in solitude that Daniel was able to be rescued from the lions, that Moses was able to seek the face of God, and Samuel was able to hear God's call on his life. 

I still continue to struggle in moments of my days here in Haiti, but I am striving to breathe deep in those moments and continue to trust in "the slow work of God." I know this road will not get any easier, but I will focus more on those I am here to serve, those I am brought together with, and those in the community of believers who love me, pray for me, and walk with me. Those of you who are holding my hands, giving me piggyback rides, or are dragging me down this road. 

Thanks for your love and support. It really means the world to me. More than you know. 

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now. -Philippians 1:3-5

"You can say piss now...."

Don't worry about me- (I gave that up for Lent and I would hate for you to pick it up...) but I wanted to share what I am feeling because I often don't when I am struggling. I often hold it inside and quietly deal with it until I have pushed through. This blog is an opportunity to share with you what is happening with me and how I am feeling...and so I will choose to do just that... 

Pray for Haiti. Pray for the leadership of Haiti. Pray for our teams. Pray for me.


Okay...I will say it...I gotta be honest...sometimes following God's call on your life "LACKS QUALITY!" (I don't use the word "sucks" because I know what that word means. "Lacks quality" sounds much better. Ask my youth, I am a stickler about this one.)

I will say it again, sometimes following God's call on your life "lacks quality!"

Try not to worry about lightning striking me-- God is crystal clear on exactly how I am feeling at all times. Forget the fact that he is omnipotent, I spell out exactly how I am feeling to my Creator exactly as I am feeling it. God and I have an understanding and that is the best way we communicate. I tell God immediately when I am pissed so we can deal with it immediately.

(I know "piss" isn't considered a nice word but it is in the Bible, and my Momma gave me permission to use words that were found in the Bible. True strory- my Momma emailed me a few years ago with the subject line that read "You can say piss now..." This scripture was found in the body of the email, " So and more also do God unto the enemies of David, if I leave of all that pertain to him by the morning light any that pisseth against the wall." I use the word "piss" sometimes because I spent 33 years not saying it- and because my Momma said I can. I don't say it a lot though- it doesn't sound nice.)

Back to my original thought...sometimes following God's call on your life "lacks quality!"

I am going to be completely honest...I am struggling to where God has called me to right now. Living in Haiti. Seperated from my husband, dog, two cats, and chickens. Apart from the youth and young adults I love. Far from my friends and family. Absent from my church family. Distant from the support and love...and hugs, that I need in my life. And I am hurting.

I try not to complain much (except to God) and I work really hard to be optimistic. I trust God with my life- with everything I have and everything I am. I have experienced difficult times in life and know for a fact that God walks me through every step of the way. I believe with every fiber of my being that the words we find in 1 Corinthians 4, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

I have been reading dozens of scriptures that remind me to be hopeful and have been holding tightly to them.

But that doesn't make the hurt go away. The pain still exists. And it isn't just a pain of being seperated from those I love and need. It is pain of being surrounded by people that are hurting and suffering. It is a daily life of sleeping in a bed, eating food, drinking clean water, and feeling safe when millions around me can't. It is a pain of watching leadership fail those they are called to lead. It is a pain of opening my eyes to desperation, searching, and struggle. The pain.....

I called Scott two days ago and told him I didn't think I could do it anymore. The pain is too much to bear. 

Scott's response was simple and perfect. "Yes, you can, and you will. Don't let doubt creep in. God has called you. And that does't make it any easier. It is hard, really hard. I love you."

And I believe him.

I have been listening to several songs over the past few days to help me look at the pain in a different light- and right now I am stuck on Blessings by Laura Story.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights 
Are what it takes to know You're near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The pain still exists and the tears continue to fall...but I will remain on this path. I will accept the pain as part of the journey and seek Hope in every day. Following God's call "lacks quality"....and I think it is supposed to. 

That pisses me off. "God, we need to have another chat...."

Let the ramblings begin....Lent, farming, and bears...OH MY!

Bonjou m' zanmi.

Scott set this blog up for me during one of our missions to Haiti and it just isn't something I ever have felt drawn to do. I constantly have complete ramblings happening in my head...I am just not a believer anyone else would want to read it! :) But several people have asked me to start a blog and share about what is happening with me, so that I what I will do. I expect this blog will be some about my life here in Haiti, things I see and experience, but also the personal side of what is happening to me- my heart, my mind, my soul.

So I begin with this:

I spend a lot of my time thinking- processing things that are happening or things I desperately want to happen. Most times I move from thinking to worrying...and spend many nights and early mornings lying in bed thinking/processing/worrying.

I worry things won't happen right, I make plans in case they don't. I worry that someone will be unhappy or upset by something that I have done. I worry that someone is angry with me. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I am doing to much. I worry about the people I love. I worry about the people that I love but don't like very much. I worry.... you get it. I worry.

It's  not entirely my fault that I am a worrier...you see, I received it from my parents. I have amazing and wonderful parents, but both of them are worriers. My father is a quiet worrier, I remember seeing him many times sitting with his hand across his forehead, worrying about work, his children, the soccer team, or the Cowboys losing a particular game. I would see him get out of bed many nights, unable to sleep because something was on his mind that wouldn't allow him to rest. My mother is a vocal worrier, often sharing her concerns and fears with me as we wash dishes together, driving in the car somewhere (usually while she worries about my driving), sharing a cup of coffee. She worries about her three kids, her grandkids, the country, the world, and especially bears. She really worries about bears!

So you see, I am a worrier by genetics, I get it honestly. But I also know- and my parents often say- just how harmful it is to worry. It does no good to go from thinking to worrying and is actually really bad for your physical health! (And that worries me a lot!)

I have spent most of my adult life trying to train myself to worry less- and I think that I am at a point where I am experiencing glimpses of success in that. And when I do, my life, my faith, my complexion is better!

So for Lent this year, I have given up worrying. (QUIT LAUGHING!) For 40 days, plus Sundays, I will not worry. I currently am living in Haiti, thousands of miles away from my husband, my dog and cats, family, friends, church home, and life as I know it... and I am committing to not worry. I live in Haiti, a country ravaged by natural disasters and lack of strong government to care for it's people throughout basically Haiti's entire history... and I am committing to not worry. I see hungry and homeless people every single day, people with needs that will never be met, children sick because of lack of clean water...and I am committing to not worry.

What am I thinking.

I came across this in my devotional book on the Friday following Ash Wednesday:

After a farmer plants wheat he does not lie awake nights worrying lest radishes come up. He knows that it is the nature, or we might say the VIRTUE, of wheat to grow wheat. It is the virtue of acorns to grow oak trees. And it is the virtue of prayers that are based upon that which is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report, to come to fulfillment. Such a fulfillment is in accord with the inevitable unfoldment of all moral law. We do not have to argue or get excited or perspire over trying to make four plus four equal eight. It is the virtue of such a combination to become eight. It is the law of mathematics, irresistible and inevitable as the tides.

In the same irresistible, tidal way, trust to the inborn virtue residing in these laws of the true, the honest, the just, and the pure in your list of desires, and give them completely to God. Relinquish them into His hands, and go off and leave them. Do not worry about them, do not even pray for them for the next few weeks. Give them as completely as the farmer gives his wheat to the soil, after the soil has been properly ploughed and harrowed. Later on, when the weeks begin to come up, we may have to get into these prayers with a cultivator and re-mellow the soil of our faith a bit, but now, go off and leave them entirely.

-Glenn Clark, I will Lift up Mine Eyes.

So I begin my mornings with prayers of hope, of love, compassion, justice, and truth. I will plant these prayers each day and move on, not worrying about what is to come. I will let God grow in me what He desires. I will trust in His will in the work I continue to do and know if I commit to that- then it will truly be for His Glory. 

I already know that if I truly plant prayers of hope, love, compassion, justice, and truth that reward will come, just as the wheat grows and the oak produces more acorns every year. But my focus will not be on the reward, but on the process of trusting the Creator to "do His thang!" 

Galatians teaches us of a life filled with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The Message says, "But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."  

I am sure I will be pulling the garden hoe out a time or two for some major weeding and cultivating, and callouses and blisters will appear...but I am committed to not worrying about when things are going to grow but enjoying watching it happen. One day at a time. 

Bondye Beni Ou!

-S

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:8-9

Amazing Amazing Amazing

Are just the few words to describe our trip back to Dasmas Haiti November 18-27th. The team of ten had a wonderful time. We connected with old friends, made new friends and continued our partnership in the construction of the church roof. We also ran VBS each afternoon that grew and grew and grew each day! We ended with over 300 on the last day. In the days to come we will add new entries from our experiences from Haiti. If you would like to see pictures check them out on Facebook.

#3 Team Members were:
Sarah Marsalis-Luginbill  - Team Leader
Scott Luginbill
Forest Roberts
Philip Gates
John Sauls
David Bartlett
Katie Fullbright
Anna Putman
Annie Kendig
Ali Soileau