Bonjou m' zanmi.
Scott set this blog up for me during one of our missions to Haiti and it just isn't something I ever have felt drawn to do. I constantly have complete ramblings happening in my head...I am just not a believer anyone else would want to read it! :) But several people have asked me to start a blog and share about what is happening with me, so that I what I will do. I expect this blog will be some about my life here in Haiti, things I see and experience, but also the personal side of what is happening to me- my heart, my mind, my soul.
So I begin with this:
I spend a lot of my time thinking- processing things that are happening or things I desperately want to happen. Most times I move from thinking to worrying...and spend many nights and early mornings lying in bed thinking/processing/worrying.
I worry things won't happen right, I make plans in case they don't. I worry that someone will be unhappy or upset by something that I have done. I worry that someone is angry with me. I worry that I am not doing enough. I worry that I am doing to much. I worry about the people I love. I worry about the people that I love but don't like very much. I worry.... you get it. I worry.
It's not entirely my fault that I am a worrier...you see, I received it from my parents. I have amazing and wonderful parents, but both of them are worriers. My father is a quiet worrier, I remember seeing him many times sitting with his hand across his forehead, worrying about work, his children, the soccer team, or the Cowboys losing a particular game. I would see him get out of bed many nights, unable to sleep because something was on his mind that wouldn't allow him to rest. My mother is a vocal worrier, often sharing her concerns and fears with me as we wash dishes together, driving in the car somewhere (usually while she worries about my driving), sharing a cup of coffee. She worries about her three kids, her grandkids, the country, the world, and especially bears. She really worries about bears!
So you see, I am a worrier by genetics, I get it honestly. But I also know- and my parents often say- just how harmful it is to worry. It does no good to go from thinking to worrying and is actually really bad for your physical health! (And that worries me a lot!)
I have spent most of my adult life trying to train myself to worry less- and I think that I am at a point where I am experiencing glimpses of success in that. And when I do, my life, my faith, my complexion is better!
So for Lent this year, I have given up worrying. (QUIT LAUGHING!) For 40 days, plus Sundays, I will not worry. I currently am living in Haiti, thousands of miles away from my husband, my dog and cats, family, friends, church home, and life as I know it... and I am committing to not worry. I live in Haiti, a country ravaged by natural disasters and lack of strong government to care for it's people throughout basically Haiti's entire history... and I am committing to not worry. I see hungry and homeless people every single day, people with needs that will never be met, children sick because of lack of clean water...and I am committing to not worry.
What am I thinking.
I came across this in my devotional book on the Friday following Ash Wednesday:
After a farmer plants wheat he does not lie awake nights worrying lest radishes come up. He knows that it is the nature, or we might say the VIRTUE, of wheat to grow wheat. It is the virtue of acorns to grow oak trees. And it is the virtue of prayers that are based upon that which is true, honest, just, pure, lovely, and of good report, to come to fulfillment. Such a fulfillment is in accord with the inevitable unfoldment of all moral law. We do not have to argue or get excited or perspire over trying to make four plus four equal eight. It is the virtue of such a combination to become eight. It is the law of mathematics, irresistible and inevitable as the tides.
In the same irresistible, tidal way, trust to the inborn virtue residing in these laws of the true, the honest, the just, and the pure in your list of desires, and give them completely to God. Relinquish them into His hands, and go off and leave them. Do not worry about them, do not even pray for them for the next few weeks. Give them as completely as the farmer gives his wheat to the soil, after the soil has been properly ploughed and harrowed. Later on, when the weeks begin to come up, we may have to get into these prayers with a cultivator and re-mellow the soil of our faith a bit, but now, go off and leave them entirely.
-Glenn Clark, I will Lift up Mine Eyes.
So I begin my mornings with prayers of hope, of love, compassion, justice, and truth. I will plant these prayers each day and move on, not worrying about what is to come. I will let God grow in me what He desires. I will trust in His will in the work I continue to do and know if I commit to that- then it will truly be for His Glory.
I already know that if I truly plant prayers of hope, love, compassion, justice, and truth that reward will come, just as the wheat grows and the oak produces more acorns every year. But my focus will not be on the reward, but on the process of trusting the Creator to "do His thang!"
Galatians teaches us of a life filled with love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. The Message says, "But what happens when we live God’s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard—things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely."
I am sure I will be pulling the garden hoe out a time or two for some major weeding and cultivating, and callouses and blisters will appear...but I am committed to not worrying about when things are going to grow but enjoying watching it happen. One day at a time.
Bondye Beni Ou!
-S
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you." -Philippians 4:8-9
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